Sunday, July 25, 2010

Things I dislike

I really couldn’t eat any of the meals that were delivered to my room today. Didn’t feel well. Just walking and talking exerted too much energy. I am not one to usually dwell on the negative things regarding my treatment. I don’t particularly care to. No not me. I am always the eternal optimist. I try. I don’t have to try too hard though, because it is in my nature.

To understand what I'm going through, my daily struggles, it would be helpful to know a few of them. Here is a list, a small sampling, of some serious side effects and struggles and others not so serious but bothersome nonetheless. I suppose I could call it:

“Things I dislike”

My portacath being accessed or poked in the chest. The color of the chemo. Urinating the color of the chemo. Getting PH levels tested of my urine. Peeing in a cap placed on the toilet at the hospital. Constantly peeing and hoping to make the toilet! The walker, now the crutches, soon the cane. Getting winded after the simplest of tasks. Leaving my dogs with other people; I miss them. Needing more rest than before and having lots to do. “Chemo Brain;” what were those things I needed to do anyway? My poor memory. Throwing up. Mouth sores. Taste buds constantly changing. High body temperatures, which could mean a simple antibiotic or hospitalization. Blood clots. Learning to self inject; not the knowing how part, but the long term need to do so. Headaches. Body aches. Eyelashes falling out into my eyes. New anxieties over things I didn’t have before. Too many meds to keep track of. Blood transfusions. Body flexibility (or the lack of); it’s getting better though. Loss of all my independence...

The list could go on but I feel that my eyes are red and worn down.

Night comes quickly. Nurses are in and out taking vital signs. Halls are quiet now. I have a beautiful view of the entire Salt Lake City Valley. The city lights are winking at me (their congratulations). I had forgotten. This treatment marks the end of cycle two! Each milestone takes great physical effort, faith, and courage. Think I will put my cares aside and try to drift off to sleep. Positive results await me this week. I can feel it. I will soon be feeling better. Just takes time...

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